You get a couple extra pictures this month because I'm so vain... I bet I think this post is about me. Really I am impressed that I am actually getting one of these updates done on time. I was taking pictures this morning and they were coming out well, I was actually noticing some change in them, so I took a few more than I normally do. I don't think it's something I'll do every month but here it is this time around at least.
So yeah, fourteen months. My body shape continues to change. I pulled my shorts down lower than usual in a couple pics so you can see a little better the way my torso has squared off. I know there's not a whole lot to compare it to from before, but my stomach/hips were always very rounded and soft. Now even though I still have a bit of belly, the softness and curves are pretty much gone. Except for my ass. I still have ample ass. My muscles are getting thicker. I have only recently started working out again (Recently as in... three days ago) so I don't think that has had much to do with this development. I am excited to see how things go if I actually keep working out. I realize that to see the kind of definition I want I am going to have to break down and get serious about some cardio and stop eating junk all the time so I can get rid of the layer of fat that covers my body. Wouldn't it be fun to see some abdominal muscles?
In other news... I have facial hair! I actually grew out my sideburns sometime last month. I think I like them. They're not completely filled in, though they look a bit better when my hair is a little longer than it is in these pics. Speaking of hair, I tried to turn my arm a bit so you can see the way the hair is beginning to fill in more on the underside of my forearms. I wonder how hairy I am going to get. I am kind of ready for that to stop now. Lastly I think my hairline is receding some. I know that a lot of hair hair falls out every time I wash it, but I don't think it's thinning all over my head. I have a crazy cowlick from a scar on my forehead so it's hard to judge whether it's just that or if my hairline is really changing.
Outside of physical changes, a lot of other things have been happening in my life. Last time I did an update I wrote a lot about the way I was experiencing my sexuality expanding. All of that is still very true, even though my circumstance right now is different. I am always amazed and appreciative of the richness of this entire experience.
I guess that's it for now.
The biggest news is that I had chest surgery last month! I have gone into detail about that surgery in other sections of the site so I won't get into it here, but please go check out the other pages if you're interested. I am 22 days post-op right now and feeling great. Overall I had an awesome surgery experience and I am very happy with my results.
Some other significant news is that I have decided to drop my T dose a little bit. I am now injecting 100cc every 10 days. It's about 3/4 what I was injecting before. I made this decision because I feel like I've been kind of emotionally disconnected from some things in a lot of ways and I want to see if lowering my dose will change that at all. I feel like I've just become a little desensitized to things, I don't quite know how to explain it. It's something I've been conscious of for quite a while and I've been working on being really present in my emotions at all times. This method of kind of reminding myself to pay attention to shit I am feeling works pretty well. Hopefully lowering my dose a bit will improve things even more. We'll see.
Another reason I feel comfortable lowering my dose is because I am still seeing plenty of physical changes all the time. In the last two months I've seen increased chest and stomach hair. My facial hair is coming in more full all the time. I have only grown out my sideburns but I could probably grow a pretty good beard if I let it go.
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I've been on T for a year and a half now. 555 days exactly. Make a wish.
I don't see a lot of physical change from month to month anymore. I am thinking about doing these updates less frequently, every 3 or 4 months, or whenever I notice something significant changing. We'll see. The biggest difference in appearance right now is that I've shaved my head. I won't be keeping it that way for long. I don't like the way it looks on me but it feels great. I wear a hat most of the time anyway.
I took new measurements this month for the first time since month eight. Not much has changed. I weigh almost exactly the same and most of the measurements are the same or really close. Hips are measuring smaller, biceps, neck and waist slightly larger. I think these things are pretty negligible though, and could have something to do with inconsistencies in measuring.
Here's a little something I wrote a week ago about what I've been feeling about transition lately:
"As time goes on I have less and less to say about transition. I feel that especially now, after chest surgery. I don't obsess over it like I did one, two, three years ago. Sometimes I feel more like "I am a transsexual", like it is a process I have gone through/am going through, rather than "I am a transgender person" as an identity, lifestyle. It's a subtle difference and I don't know if I am doing a good job of explaining it or not. Of course I recognize, every day, things that separate me from other men, and other butches. I still have a hold in both camps. But I live in enough isolation that some of the stuff other transfolks have to contend with don't affect me. Everyone I live and work with knows of and embraces my experience. I don't belong to a gym or anywhere that might bring my gender into question. The people I encounter day to day see me as a guy and I don't ever worry about not passing. (Though what was up with that guy calling me ma'am at Linens N Things the other week?) Honestly I don't think about my gender that much. I'm not focused anymore on whether people are seeing me as a guy, or on figuring out how to make myself feel comfortable and confident in my own body. I am more compelled, and have more energy now to think about who I am as a person, how I want to live and what is important to me as a human being.
"I think my next challenge is better understanding my own feminism from a trans perspective and learning how to be a feminist as I am now. For this I think I am going to need some male (trans or non-trans) feminist role models, or other guys who are at similar places as I am and are working toward the same goal. I'm not into most of the trans-feminism dialogue that is going on out there now, because it seems either a) completely focused on Michigan Womyns Music Festival or b) much more directed toward the breakdown of gender as a whole, and that's not where I am. I want to know what is means to be a man and be a feminist."
That's about all I have for this update. Thanks for reading and stay tuned for more in the next few months.
| Measurements: |
| Height - 5'4" Weight - 148lbs Waist - 34" Hips - 39.5" Shoulders - 20.25" Neck - 15.75" Head - 22.5" Chest - 35.5" Biceps - 13.75" Thigh - 23" Calf - 16" |
Welcome to the month of bad lighting, breaking out, no sideburns, putting on weight for the winter, and a million other excuses as to why these pictures look like shit! Seriously though, is it just me or does it seem like I have gone back about six months in my transition? I think the big difference is that I shaved off my sideburns out of boredom a little while back and it totally changes my appearance. I let them grow out again for a few days but now the hair there is growing much slower than it was before, and I didn't want to look messy for Thanksgiving so I shaved them off again. I'll give them some time to grow back in after the holiday.
Other than that, no major physical changes to report on. I haven't been working out (shocking, I know) and I have been eating like it's my job, which is showing around my belly. At the same time though, I have lost about 5 pounds in the past 2 months. Go figure. Goodbye summer muscle, hello winter chub. Sexy.
Added December 8th:
I ran out of T about two months ago, and I haven't filled a new prescription yet. I did get a 100mg shot about five weeks ago but haven't had any since then. I haven't felt much different at all and it's been easy to let it slip my mind. I have noticed that my facial hair is growing in more slowly, and my body fat is up (but that could well be blamed on Thanksgiving, etc). Today I noticed some bleeding so I guess that is a kick in the pants to get on the ball about getting some more T in my hands.
When I first came out as trans I was fairly convinced I just wanted to have top surgery and didn't want T at all. Then I thought maybe I would go on a low dose for a while until I saw some changes, especially voice, and then stop. Once I got to the point where I was ready to start, I fully believed this would be a lifelong commitment. My feelings around being on Testosterone are not unlike feelings I've had about other parts of my transition. I have eased into things but have been comfortable with each decision along the way.
I don't know why I let myself go this long without a shot. Part of it is just sheer laziness, but obviously that isn't the only reason. I have a mental resistance to being dependant on this artificial substance. I want my body to produce it naturally, I want to be able to look and feel the way I do when I am on T without having to inject it every week.
Another part of me wants to just be happy with how I am without the T; without having to change anything else about myself. The fact that I am menstruating serves as a pretty harsh reminder that I can't do that. It's not like I'm flipping out about it, I am not in any emotional upheaval, but rather resigning myself to the fact that I can't ignore what's going on.
A couple years ago at True Spirit I went to a workshop on T where one of the panelists was talking about having dissolvable pellets implanted in his pelvic region that released testosterone slowly and would last several months before needing to be replaced. I thought that was a great hands-off option, but I don't know anyone who actually has experience with that and I doubt it would be available to me up here in Maine.
| Measurements: | Photos: |
| Height - 5'4" Weight - 148lbs Waist - 34" Hips - 39.5" Shoulders - 20.25" Neck - 15.75" Head - 22.5" Chest - 35.5" Biceps - 13.75" Thigh - 23" Calf - 16" |
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Time for another update already. These things seem to come up on my faster and faster. This month's update is a tough one to post, because I am pretty unhappy with how my body looks in the photos. But, I've been committed to honesty here and I guess this is all a part of it.
If you read the 20 month update, you'll know that I actually have just spent a period of about two and a half months off T, from sometime in October until December 22nd. I've been pretty shocked by both the emotional and the physical effects I have seen from that time off. The physical changes can be seen pretty clearly in the photos, even though at this point some of the effects have actually started to change back. In the time I was off T, I gained more fat, especially around my thighs, hips and butt. I lost muscle tone in places that were in pretty good shape before. I felt weaker physically, less strength and less endurance. My facial hair started growing in more slowly and lighter, until it was barely growing at all. I also had two menstrual cycles in that time.
It's been about a month now that I have been back on my regular dose and already I am feeling much stronger and noticing muscle changes. I am still carrying around more fat than I have in years. I think it's going to take some work to trim that down. My facial hair has taken off again and my sideburns are making a reluctant but steady return. (Can't really tell by these photos, but trust me, as I write this a week after the photos were taken, they're there.) It feels good to have them back. All the other effects I feel from the T are comforting as well. I think my emotions are on more of an even keel and I am much more comfortable knowing I won't have to deal with another period this month.
I've done some pretty serious thinking and analyzing of what I've been feeling through all of this. Of course I did a lot of that before I ever started testosterone as well, but it's different to have already felt the effects and then go for a while without them. In a big way, I am glad it's feeling right for me to be back on testosterone. It would have been much harder if stopping had been what felt right to me. I know I would feel the repercussions of that not only in my body but also from the trans and queer communities and the world at large.
I know I started off this entry with an "I'm not happy with my body" attitude, but overall I really am feeling good about where I am. I feel like I challenged myself to re-examine things around my transition and I am more comfortable mentally now than I was before that happened. I know with time and some work, I will get my body back into a condition that I am more happy with. I am excited to see those changes happen.
That's about it. Next update will be in March, two years on T. After that point I don't think I will be updating every two months, probably every three or four.