Infancy
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While she was pregnant, my mother was certain I was going to be a boy. My parents hadn't even picked out a name for a girl. But when I was born, I was by all appearances a healthy baby girl. |
Childhood
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As a young kid I was kind of quiet and often happy to play alone. The friends I did have were almost all boys, though, and I had pretty typical interests for a boy my age. My favorite toys were Legos, Matchbox cars and baseball cards. I spent a lot of time playing sports, especially baseball, and riding my bike. I loved fishing, camping, and later hunting with my father. I identified with the male characters in my favorite books and movies. From about second or third grade through middle school I kept my hair cut short and was often assumed to be a boy. I was lucky that my folks didn't question too much about my unconventional gender presentation. Still, I didn't really understand that there was something very different about me, and I never told anyone I felt like a boy. |
Adolescence
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As I got older, I felt confused and alone because I knew I was not a boy, but I was nothing like other girls my age, either. Also, the older I got, let harder it was to pull off being a tomboy. I was never very good at being a girl, and now my body was beginning to turn into that of a woman. I felt betrayed. It was around this time that I first began noticing masculinity in adult women. I had not known any "gay" people before, and I found myself drawn to stories of women who expressed their gender in masculine ways. I could almost imagine myself growing up to have a life like that. |
Fall 1998- Pre trans realization
At the age of 17, I moved away from home and came out as a lesbian while in my first semester at college. I had an idea that I was attracted to women while I was still in high school, but I never acted on it. I also never dated guys (nor did I have any desire to do so). When I told my parents I was dating a woman, it did not go well. One of the first things my mother said to me, after calming down a bit, was "just don't go out and get a butch hair cut."
Fall 1999- Questioning my gender
My mother's request for me to keep my hair long didn't last for more than a few months. Over the next year my hair got shorter, my clothing became more masculine, and I started identifying as a butch. In the span of one month from October to November of 1999, several things happened that made me seriously begin to examine my identity. I read Stone Butch Blues by Les Feinberg for the first time, watched the movie "Boys Don't Cry," and went to a workshop on gender at a dyke conference I was attending. I also started dating a new partner and I felt more comfortable presenting myself as a butch and was less ashamed of how I was feeling. At this point I was not openly identifying as transgender or male.
Spring 2000- Trying to make sense of it all
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Around this time, I was beginning to do research online. Throughout the spring and summer I learned all I could about FTM issues. It was amazing to finally be learning about something that felt so true to me. It was like someone had turned on a light and all of a sudden I understood what I had been feeling my whole life. It was also a very scary time, because the more I learned, the more I could not ignore my feelings, and I knew I had to do something about them. I started binding my chest and I talked to my partner about what I was feeling. It took a lot of strength and courage to do that because I was so scared and still ashamed of a lot of the things I was feeling. I didn't know if she would laugh at me, or be mad at me, or even if she would want to stay with me through this. Luckily she was very supportive and gave me lots of time and space to figure things out. I couldn't have asked for a better partner. |
Fall 2000- Coming out
Early 2002- Life as a pre-op, pre-hormonal guy
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I had been dealing with transgender feelings for more than two years. In this time, I was educating myself, meeting and talking with other transmen, and spending a lot of time just thinking and trying to figure out what all of this meant to me. I had some wonderful experiences and made great friends in the process. It was also an incredibly stressful time. My personal life was complicated and my former partner and I ended our relationship. In this time I also dropped out of college and began supporting myself by doing painting and carpentry around town. I was happy with this decision, but it was also very hard to do. I learned a lot about myself and the person I wanted to be, not just in relation to being transgender. Things with my family were starting to improve, slowly. As far as plans for physical transition were concerned, I was sure (as I had been from the start) that I wanted to have top surgery, but I had reservations about going on testosterone. Most of my fears around that had to do with being worried about losing visibility as a transgender butch. I did get my name legally changed in February, 2002. That was an important milestone for me, even though I had been going by my chosen name for a few years already. It felt good to not have to see my old name on my official documents anymore. |
Fall 2002- Making peace
When fall came around in 2002, I felt ready to begin physically transitioning. Something had changed inside of me and I felt certain about my decision to start testosterone. I had moved to another city and was feeling much more settled in my life. I was starting a new relationship with a supportive partner, had a great job, and it finally felt like things were calming down. I had spent the last three years debating with myself over whether or not to transition, and when the right time would be for me to do so. Now I just felt ready. I realized that I would still be able to be an active part of the trans community even without being easily identified as queer, and that helped me feel better about losing visibility. I reached a point where my physical discomfort with my own body far outweighed any reservations I had about transitioning. I knew I would be happy no other way. If I could have continued to go through life without transitioning, I would have. I knew it wouldn't be easy and that I would probably feel a lot of hurt and loss along the way, but I truly felt like it was the right thing for me to do for myself.
Early 2003- Starting T
Once I decided I was ready to move ahead, actually starting hormones proved to be more difficult than I'd imagined. I had a tough time finding a doctor who would agree to work with me. After trying several different doctors without success, I finally ended up seeing someone who's practice was more than an hour long drive outside of the city where I lived. And, for the first few months that I was seeking medical care I didn't have health insurance, so it was very frustrating to be paying to see doctors who did nothing other than tell me they wouldn't work with me. I was very discouraged. Thankfully I ended up connecting with a really great doctor who I felt very comfortable with, and after several visits, some blood work and a physical I finally got my prescription on March 13, 2003. It took me more than a month to be able to tell my family that I'd started transitioning. I was so scared that they wouldn't be able to handle it and I'd lose them. Amazingly, that has not been the case at all. Maybe I underestimated them. I was so thankful to have the support of my family, friends and partner through this time in my life. I felt like I could look ahead in my transition without reservations. Now I began focusing my energy on saving for top surgery.
June 2004- Chest Surgery
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After waiting for what seemed like forever, it was finally my time to have chest surgery. I had a consult with my surgeon in August of 2003, and on June 28th, 2004, my surgery was performed by Dr. Hugh McLean in Mississauga, Ontario (Canada). Having this surgery was amazingly liberating. It meant I never had to worry about binding again, I could wear whatever kind of shirts I wanted, and I could swim and exercise comfortably. It had a huge positive impact on my confidence and ability to be comfortable in my body. |
May 2008- Hysterectomy
After several years of quiet on the transition front, I am scheduled to have a hysterectomy/oophorectomy on May 2, 2008.