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Testosterone: Pre-T

December 21, 2002

It's the last day of 2002. One of my New Year's resolutions is jokingly "to become a boy". I look forward to a lot of exciting physical, mental and emotional changes in this coming year. If things go according to plan, I will be starting testosterone in February. I have been a little frustrated by how slowly the process has gone since I decided I was ready to start taking hormones. I already have a therapist who will be writing a letter of recommendation for me as soon as I find a physician to work with. A few weeks ago I met with a doctor here in my town. After talking with me and reviewing some materials I provided for her, she decided that she didn't feel comfortable working with me, as she had never started any patients out on hormones before. It is hard to find a good doctor, even though I live in a medium-sized, queer friendly city. Next week I will be driving an hour away to meet with another doctor, who I know has some experience with FTM patients. I also do not at this point have health insurance, so I am paying for all of this out of pocket. I should have insurance through my job in about a month.

I'm anxious to see how testosterone will affect my body and mind. Along with being eager for changes, I also have some concerns. Most of my worries revolve around how I will be changing mentally and emotionally. Already I am pretty "stone" emotionally. I am not a big fan of opening myself up too much and talking about my own feelings. I think this is partly because I don't like that feeling of being exposed and vulnerable, and I also just usually prefer to deal with a lot of things on my own rather than talking them out or asking for help. I hope (mostly for my partner's sake) that I don't become even more emotionally shut off. I think this is something I will be able to handle as long as I am aware of it and I work on not letting it happen. I have always been fairly even-tempered, although I tend to bottle things up, and sometimes everything kind of explodes. When that happens, it's not pretty. That doesn't happen often, maybe two or three times a year. I am VERY rarely physically or verbally violent. I have never been so angry that I would actually hurt another person, at least not since I was a kid. When I was younger I had a much worse temper, but it seems to have calmed down a lot as I've grown up. My father and I are very similar emotionally, and he's a little more quick to anger than I am, and more vocal about things when he is upset. I can see myself falling into that kind of behavior, but again, I hope it is something I can control as long as I am conscious of it happening.

Physically, I am VERY ready to see some changes. In the past few weeks and months, my feelings about my body have been changing. The discomfort and disassociation I feel about my own body has gotten 300% worse than before. Even my own face, which has never especially bothered me before, looks foreign to me. I expect to see more muscle, fewer curves, and more hair on my body, and I'm actually surprised sometimes to realize that my body is so feminine. When I was taking pictures to document my transition, I took some nude shots for my own records, and it made me really uncomfortable to look at them. Other than my chest, the thing that bothers me the most about my body is how wide my butt/hips/thigh area is. You can see in my silhouette that I have a very "womanly" body shape, which I've learned to disguise as best I can with baggy jeans, and by not tucking in my shirts. I know that area will never change as much as I'd like it to, because I have pretty wide bone structure there, but hopefully I will see some body fat redistribution soon. I have always been active and athletic. When I am dedicated to lifting weights regularly, I slowly see some improvement in my muscles. However, if I stop lifting for any period of time, those results disappear quickly. I hope that being on T will enhance the results I get from working out. Another thing I really look forward to is my voice deepening. Right now I pass very well physically, but my voice is what almost always gives me away. I think I would have very few problems passing otherwise.

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Measurements: Photos:
Height - 5'4"
Weight - 142 lbs
Waist - 33"
Hips - 38.75"
Shoulders - 18.25"
Neck - 13.5"
Head - 22.25"
Chest - 33"
Biceps - 12.5"
Thigh - 24"
Calf - 15.25"
pre-t image

Voice Clips:


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